Finding your quiet

Finding your quiet

"For now she need not think about anybody.
She could be herself. And that was what now ,she often felt the need of-to think; well not even to think.
To be silent; to be alone. All the being and the doing, expansive, glittering, vocal, evaporated...
Although she continued to KNIT, and sat upright, it was thus that she felt herself; and this self having shed its attachments was free for the strangest adventures."

from "To the Lighthouse" Virginia Woolf, 1927

 

It is a constant struggle to reconnect with myself.  To check in and verify that I have substance...that I am more than a mother, wife, maid, cook, tutor, chauffeur, and personal shopper.  I have intellegent thoughts and ideas...I am an individual...one that often gets lost admist the to-do lists and frantic yells of "MOM!"....but an individual none the less.  I have been spending more time of late trying to reconnect with the person that I viualize internally.  The woman I want to be.  I have been setting goals FOR MYSELF and meeting them.  The amount of satisfaction that I reap from meeting these mundane goals is amazing. 
I have also been spending more time having internal conversations with myself.  I know...I risk being committed by admitting it, but I knit, and have an internal dialog (the soothing repitition of knit, purl, knit, purl lulls me to my quiet place)...I check in with myself...sift through the happenings of the day...and process it all. 
Knitting, reading, meditation, cross stitch, crochet, painting...pick your passion.  I often put these things aside when life gets hectic.  I forget how essential this down time is.  Time to free my mind from the stress of the day and just be alone and quiet.  It is healing...this calm, quiet, down time.  I encourage you all to find something healthy that provides this for you, or pick up that hobby that you have put aside in order to focus on something more mundane such as cleaning your toilets.  Let them stay dirty for one more hour, one more day...take some time today to reconnect with yourself and remember that you are important...you're an interesting individual and you have worth...You are worth an hour out of the day to work on yourself...on your happiness.  I'd love to hear how you find your peace and reconnect with yourself.  Good luck...now leave me alone...I'm going to my quiet place....shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

An Unwitnessed Life

Hi, my name is Trenda and I am an absentee blogger;)  Sorry it's been so long.  I struggle daily with wanting to blog, but I also feel as though I don't want to contribute to the negativity out here in the world wide web. I have been suffering from a viral case of the "blahs" lately and fear that I might be contagious.  Then again, this blog is supposed to be my story...an accurate portrayal of my life.  The truth is... my life isn't always rainbows and butterflies.  So...here I am warts and all.   

Life is great, in so very many ways for me right now... but despite my many blessings, I am struggling right now.  These many blessings and my persistent unrest are a whole other guilt inducing issue.  Regardless...I  am having a really hard time adjusting to life without my spouse by my side.  Now don't worry, I'm not a widow...not in the typical sense anyway...he's is just paying his dues in the military.  He is on his second month of a 12 month deployment.  Despite the fact that we talk often and he is a spectacular support, I find myself feeling as though I am fading away.  I am having a hard time finding the motivation I need to live the kind of creative, productive, wonder-filled life that I yearn for without anyone here to witness that wonder with me.

I ran across the lyrics of this song:  Witness to your life - Lori Mckenna

 All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who'll never let you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life

You should never have to be alone
Someone will always call you home
And I will be that witness to your life

This is exactly what  I feel is lacking in my life right now.  I don't feel connected.  I feel as though I am living an unwitnessed life...  I had intended to spend this next year living for myself.  Taking the time to figure out who I am when no one is looking...when no one else has expectations of me. 

I am having a very hard time defining myself.  I have spent so many years just mindlessly doing what was expected of me (I know that many of you that know me are snickering here;).  I didn't say I did it quietly.  I have never been afraid of voicing my opinions or thoughts.  Now that I dictate what my days look like and how I fill them, I am lost.  Many of you ex-military will know what I mean...It's like when you separate from the military and you find yourself floundering in all your new found freedom.  When no one is telling you where to live and what to do for a living, it should be liberating...more often than not it is just overwhelming and scary as heck.  That's where I am right now.  I am knitting my little heart out (this is my way of checking out...it mindless and soothing), watching Hallmark movies (more mindlessness;)  and wishing that someone...anyone, would remind me who it is I am supposed to be.  I am just a lackluster version of a Mommy right now.  That's all that is expected of me and that is all that I am providing.  I realize the fact that I look to other's to define me is the core of the problem.  I am working on it.   

I am trying.  I do realize that J has only been gone for six weeks...I still have a long haul ahead of me...so...I got up this morning and shaved my legs...for me...I put on my makeup, lips and all...for me...I blew out my hair, put on jewelry and perfume...for me...I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch...for me...and I then knitted some more...

Ok Ok...cut me some slack;)  I can't morph overnight, not to mention...Christmas is looming and I have gifts to knit. 

So...I vow to keep trying.  Trying to find peace within myself - Trying to define the undefinable - Trying to let go of the things I can't control - Trying to be proud of who I am when no one is looking - Trying to be OK with my "blah" days - Trying to work on me, so that I can be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.

I often find solace in food...of late, I have been trying to find that solace in healthier options...so I thought I would share another recipe.  My kiddos have been enjoying this spectacular salad as much as I have.  They haven't even realized they are eating spinach!  It is going to be my holiday go to dish this year.
Cranberry spinach salad
Happy Holidays to you all.  Thanks for tuning in...hope to talk to you all soon.

Trenda Lea

You may call it moody, I call it spontaneous emotional creativity

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen

 Today I realized that my plate was full...to full for me to carry alone.  It took some reconnecting with the people that matter to remind me that despite my full plate, my cup is also overflowing...it's overflowing with their love and blessings. 

I started today, day 28 of my hubby's 365 day deployment,  feeling down and lonely but alas when what to my wondering eyes did appear...(sorry, I got carried away) my surrogate spouse a.k.a. my BFF Salina (yes I'm naming names;) arrived with her version of "coffee in bed".  She took pity on me and my nasty Folgers and brought my beloved favorite, New Orleans Famous French Market Coffee and Chicory.  (Which...Is only appropriate if you consider the stuff is like crack, only available 20 miles away, I'm too lazy to drive there and she introduced me to it).  Anyway...the caffeine high alone carried me through the first hour of my day, sitting on the couch with her sipping my liquid crack, I mean coffee, and watching a silly DVR sitcom got me through the second hour and the residual glow of feeling loved lasted the rest of the afternoon.  Thank you surrogate spouse...you are appreciated. 

But...as the old adage says..."All good things must come to an end"... and it did...the afternoon took a drastic downer with the onset of a huge and boisterous Pity Party being thrown in honor of me by none other then... ME!  I now (out of equal amounts of gratitude and guilt)  feel compelled to say a great big Thank You and Apologise to:

1.  My adoring husband and his now wet and soppy virtual shoulder (whom I am positive was grateful for the web cam lens, the 16 hour time distance, and the 6000 miles between himself and his blubbering mess a.k.a....ME!) 

2.  The above mentioned BFF who listens so very well, doesn't feel the need to "fix" it all, understands that I just need her empathy and opinion and interjects all the appropriate comments at all the appropriate times.

3.  The Brother, who speaks my kind of crazy, listens long after he has telephone induced cauliflower ear and who doesn't judge me when I say stupid stuff.

4.  My Grannie who has and will ALWAYS have my back and possess the softest, kindest lap ever to be created to cry in.  Thank goodness for her that I recognize that I've outgrown her lap and restrain myself despite my strong yearnings to curl up in it and have a good cry.  Now...I settle for long distance hugs via the telephone. 

Last but not least:
5. Thank you to...YOU...for allowing me to occupy a small part of your day by reading my drivel that I like to refer to as intellegentsomewhatcoherentthoughtsofacrazylady.

So...here's to those of us who are feeling overwhelmed, out of touch, invisible, under appreciated, and unloved.  I hear you, I see you;)  May you have the wisdom and strength...to know when you need help and to reach for it.  I guarantee, it's there.  If anyone has the need for a some-what sane shoulder to cry on, I need to pay it forward.  I called in a lot of karma points today...I owe the universe big.  So...if I can't empathize or understand, I promise I'll fake it till one of us feels better;)  I hope we are all able at the beginning of this Month of Thanksgiving, to recognize and acknowledge our blessings.  And Love...Love deep...love without measure...love, love, love.

Beware though... one of my friends current FB posts:  Today I laughed often (got stared at), I loved harder (one new restraining order), and I danced like no one was watching,.. THAT was when they locked me up!!!..

So...I challenge you...all Four of you, my faithful followers and all the rest of you blog stalkers (I know who you are)...to share one unique thing that you are grateful for.  In this small way, I hope we can all inspire one another to appreciate the small things and be grateful.   

Snakes, Spiders, and Toad frogs...Oh my!!!

Snakes, Spiders, and Toad frogs...Oh My!!!
Unfortunately this is a true story and is in fact based on actual events

Scene: An average suburban household in Northern Cali.

Cast: Four resident kiddos ages 7, 8, nearly 10 and 12 going on 20; the family dog, snake, and tarantula; and one visiting toad frog - the supposed model for a nature photo shoot by above mentioned 12 year old son and... 1 mother, suffering from terminal allergies and clinging to consciousness through an allergy med induced fog.

Scene 1:
Friday Night:
Upon entering the house, the 12 yr old son discovers an obscenely large toad frog.

12 yr old son

(excited)

Mom! Mom! can I keep him? (displaying the gargantuan toad in his palm)

Taz the Toad

(actual frog pictured)

Mom

(tired and stuffy from allergies)

No.

12 yr old son

(whining)

But Mom....I want to take pictures of him in the daylight tomorrow.

Mom

(exasperated)

Then you may keep him overnight; take your pictures; and release him in the morning.

12 yr old son

YES! His name is Taz the Toad.

Mom

(groans)

Don't name him!  We aren't keeping him!

Fade Out.

Fade In.

Scene 2: Saturday afternoon

Mom is rumpled and crashed on couch; suffering from too many allergies and large doses of Allegra and Sudafed. 

7 yr old daughter

(skipping through living room giggling)

Isn't it funny.

(not a question...just one of her famous leading statements that always precedes bad news that usually leads to getting her three brothers into hot water)

Mom

(groggy)

What?  Isn't what funny?

7 yr old daughter

That the boys lost the toad in the house. (many more giggles)

Mom

(bolting upright on the couch; no longer groggy)

WHAT????

7 yr old daughter

The boys made it a book fort.  Then they went outside to play.  It's not there anymore.

Mom

(voice rising in pitch) 

REALLY?  REALLY?  REALLY?

****flash to Animal Planet informative tidbits:

1. Dead toads smell nasty  2. Toad's poop is the size and shape of cat poop.  3. Did I mention dead toads smell nasty.  4.  Toads need food and water.  These items are not readily available in a child's toy box.

Mom

(still trying not to surrender to the seductive unconsciousness of Sudafed)

(yelling)

BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Herd of boy sized elephants comes crashing down the stairs)

In unison; because they know that all too familiar tone of voice:

Yes Ma'am?

Mom

(pleading)

Please tell me there is NOT a toad frog loose in our house.

12 yr old son

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................

Mom

Go. Now. Find it.  and DO NOT come back down till you have him in hand.

(Mom wearily lays back on the sofa; nursing a headache and cringing at the ensuing thumps, bumps, and crashes issuing from upstairs.)

1 hour later............................................

All 3 boys:

Mom we looked EVERYWHERE. We can't find him.

Mom

Uuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN.

(24 long hours later of tiptoeing around watching out for cat sized toad frog mines )

Scene 3: Sunday afternoon

Mom

(back on couch...now with box of tissue, cold cloth on head, and still covered with a heavy Sudafed blanket)

(tells daughter)

It's time for your bath.

7 yr old daughter exits living room

5 Minutes later:

7 yr old daughter is screaming excitedly from bathroom

Mom rushes (after untangling herself from her Sudafed blanket) to see what is the matter

THE TOAD HAS BEEN LOCATED!!!!!!!!!

He had made his way to the bathroom in search of water.

Mom gathers all of her brood and lays down the law about wildlife in the house.  NO MORE!  (current dog, corn snake, and tarantula are enough!)

Mom reminds children that despite the fact that the toad has been located...he might have left us a present and they should all be on the lookout.

Toad is ever so gently returned to the wild....The children are returned to the wild...and the Mom crawls ever so happily back underneath her warm and inviting Sudafed blanket in her toad free house.

THE END

FADE OUT.

Grand Opening and Giveaway!!!!

I had a hectic week which led up to my first Vendor fair at the local Harvest Festival.  Despite the cold weather, rain, and lack of adequate lighting...a good time was had by all.  I learned a lot about what is needed in the future and receive some very good feedback from some of the customers.  I enjoyed seeing you all there.  I wanted to say a very big and very public THANK YOU to my Bestie, Salina who sat with me all night and helped me through the whole process.  I adore you! 



Win a Free Pair of Earrings!!!!!!

Earring pictured are not exact ones.  I will contact you and discuss your preference of color and style.

So...on to the fun stuff.  I wanted to start this endeavor off with a Big Bang (yes...on homage to Mr. Sheldon Cooper, the love of my imaginary life) and offer a giveaway.  I will be giving away a free pair of earrings via my blog.  All you have to do is log on and leave a comment on this post and you will be entered to win.  On Wed. October 27, 2010 one lucky person will be randomly picked and notified via this blog.  I appreciate all of your time and support and hope to see some of your smiling faces and witty banter on my blog in the future. 

Please take a moment to visit my Etsy store front and check out my jewelry.  New listings will be posted multiple times a week.  If you live in my area, we can also arrange a time for you to stop in and see my jewelry in person. 

I can be contacted via my email:  hammeredalchemy@hotmail.com

for custom orders.

Best wishes and Good luck...Trenda

Autumn Reflections

"Autumn is the eternal corrective.  It is ripeness and color and a time of maturity; but it is also breadth, and depth, and distance.  What man can stand with autumn on a hilltop and fail to see the span of his world and the meaning of the rolling hills that reach to the far horizon?" - Hal Borland

I feel as if I am standing on this hilltop right now.  I can see the hills rolling gently into my future; at each crest is a precipice of joy and wonderful things...visits home, a new business, holidays with family, and the return of my heart.  But...(there is always a But)...to reach those points I have to travel through the valleys each of these hills presents...stress, loneliness, loss, and confusion.  Despite these valleys, I look forward with such excitement.  There are so very many wonderful things looming on my horizon.  But...(there it is...always) this excitement is tinged with equal amounts of trepidation.  I'm reminded of the saying, "there is no light without the dark".  Well, I shall burn my candle (or in my case, my soldering torch) brightly and march bravely through those dark valleys for I know that on the other side awaits the ascent to a joyous precipice.  In the mean time, I shall fortify myself for this travel with good food, good friends, and lots of good wine.  I'm going to start this endeavor today by whipping up a giant pot of Pumpkin Chili to ward off the chill of the autumn rain.  My hope is that along my travels throughout the next year, I am able to breathe deep, absorb each moment, and really experience what is unfolding before me. 

It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis.  --- Margaret Bonnano

So here's to my actively creating my own "happily-ever-after", to living in the moment, and great pumpkin chili!

This is one of my family's favorite autumn dishes.  It is super healthy and tastes divine.  You can substitute greek yogurt for the sour cream and indulge without guilt.  I have even fed this to those who claim to hate ground turkey and they couldn't tell the difference.  Due to the abundance of pumpkin and the minimal use of tomatoes, this is also a nearly heartburn free dish.  Enjoy!!!

Pumpkin Chili



Take a deep breath...And JUMP!

Take a deep breath...And JUMP!

“Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” - George Bernard Shaw

    

      I have spent 32 years actively trying to "find myself"...to no avail.  Don't get me wrong.  I have a spectacular life.  I am mom to four amazing kiddos (ages 12, 10, 8, and 7), wife of 14 years to my best friend, and surrounded by love from an abundance of friends and family.  I have it GOOD.  But...I still don't know who or what I want to be when I grow up and let's face it; I'm there.  I'm not just "grown up" at this point, I've almost reached what could very well be my "middle ages".  Heaven forbid!

     I look at who I am and I am content.  CONTENT!  Who wants to just be content? Not me.  I want my life to be vibrant; full of color, texture, smells (and not just the smell of bleach as I swish the toilets) and new experiences that fill and feed my soul.  Let's face it, you other stay at home moms know, our life affords us more freedom than most, but it also comes with the horrible side effect of what I loving refer to as "Groundhog day syndrome".

     Due to the baby steps I have taken over the last few years, I feel as though I am already on my way.  I have a good start.  At this point, I am just a watered down semi-translucent version of the colorful, full of depth self portrait I want to create.  So...I am actively going to sculpt, paint, carve, and hammer my vision to life this next year.  There couldn't be a better time.  For you see, my husband, who I adore; but married right out of high school,  is deployed for the next 365 days.  His deployment coincides with my Mother's diagnosis of terminal cancer.  I talk to her daily and rely on her more than I should.  She has been my lighthouse and my husband my rock.  I need to learn to be at ease with myself and to have faith that I can provide my own guiding light and be my own anchor.  I have never been on my own; never been forced to just sit quietly with myself for long periods of time.  (I realize what an oxymoron this statement is as I am now a single parent to the above mentioned four kiddos.)  With this rare opportunity to have more time alone, I am going to focus on ME.  I want to focus on creating a healthier, happier, more centered and creative self.  I know that if I use this time wisely, I can walk away from this experience a better mother, wife,daughter, friend, and artist. 

     Rather than just be full of words and good intentions, I am putting my plan into action.  It is simple really; out of necessity.  If it isn't simple, I won't do it. So...here it is:

Health: take my vitamins daily - drink more water - move more - eat less

Heart: take time to connect daily with my children - remember to remind my husband how much I adore him - don't take anyone for granted - take time to connect daily with myself

Soul: paint - write - read - knit - cook - create - hammer (jewelry) - meditate and laugh (not at the same time though)

     In an effort to institute this plan, I have started walking about five miles daily with a friend and bought an old lady daily pill dispenser for my vitamins (and yes my children snickered and made fun of me when they saw it). I have resurrected nightly bedtime routines with my children and started having face time with my hubby via the web cam.  I hope to continue my weekly painting dates with my Bestie and continue to knit.  I have started blogging in an effort to provide myself a place to process my thoughts, provide myself accountability, get some adult interaction with people who don't refer to me as Mom or Hunny, and to encourages others who might be (here comes that dreaded word) Content with their lives, to make a change and actively create who it is you want to be. And......last but not least....I have started a store front on Etsy to sell the fruits of my new found passion for jewelry making. In this way, I hope to help support my family and feed my addiction for creativity.

http://www.hammeredalchemy.etsy.com

     So...check it out and enjoy.  I plan on logging on and providing the world wide web with more of my brain numbing, inane rambling at least once a week.  Hope to see you again.  Till then.  Sending  you virtual love and good wishes.  Trenda