An Unwitnessed Life

Hi, my name is Trenda and I am an absentee blogger;)  Sorry it's been so long.  I struggle daily with wanting to blog, but I also feel as though I don't want to contribute to the negativity out here in the world wide web. I have been suffering from a viral case of the "blahs" lately and fear that I might be contagious.  Then again, this blog is supposed to be my story...an accurate portrayal of my life.  The truth is... my life isn't always rainbows and butterflies.  So...here I am warts and all.   

Life is great, in so very many ways for me right now... but despite my many blessings, I am struggling right now.  These many blessings and my persistent unrest are a whole other guilt inducing issue.  Regardless...I  am having a really hard time adjusting to life without my spouse by my side.  Now don't worry, I'm not a widow...not in the typical sense anyway...he's is just paying his dues in the military.  He is on his second month of a 12 month deployment.  Despite the fact that we talk often and he is a spectacular support, I find myself feeling as though I am fading away.  I am having a hard time finding the motivation I need to live the kind of creative, productive, wonder-filled life that I yearn for without anyone here to witness that wonder with me.

I ran across the lyrics of this song:  Witness to your life - Lori Mckenna

 All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who'll never let you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life

You should never have to be alone
Someone will always call you home
And I will be that witness to your life

This is exactly what  I feel is lacking in my life right now.  I don't feel connected.  I feel as though I am living an unwitnessed life...  I had intended to spend this next year living for myself.  Taking the time to figure out who I am when no one is looking...when no one else has expectations of me. 

I am having a very hard time defining myself.  I have spent so many years just mindlessly doing what was expected of me (I know that many of you that know me are snickering here;).  I didn't say I did it quietly.  I have never been afraid of voicing my opinions or thoughts.  Now that I dictate what my days look like and how I fill them, I am lost.  Many of you ex-military will know what I mean...It's like when you separate from the military and you find yourself floundering in all your new found freedom.  When no one is telling you where to live and what to do for a living, it should be liberating...more often than not it is just overwhelming and scary as heck.  That's where I am right now.  I am knitting my little heart out (this is my way of checking out...it mindless and soothing), watching Hallmark movies (more mindlessness;)  and wishing that someone...anyone, would remind me who it is I am supposed to be.  I am just a lackluster version of a Mommy right now.  That's all that is expected of me and that is all that I am providing.  I realize the fact that I look to other's to define me is the core of the problem.  I am working on it.   

I am trying.  I do realize that J has only been gone for six weeks...I still have a long haul ahead of me...so...I got up this morning and shaved my legs...for me...I put on my makeup, lips and all...for me...I blew out my hair, put on jewelry and perfume...for me...I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch...for me...and I then knitted some more...

Ok Ok...cut me some slack;)  I can't morph overnight, not to mention...Christmas is looming and I have gifts to knit. 

So...I vow to keep trying.  Trying to find peace within myself - Trying to define the undefinable - Trying to let go of the things I can't control - Trying to be proud of who I am when no one is looking - Trying to be OK with my "blah" days - Trying to work on me, so that I can be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.

I often find solace in food...of late, I have been trying to find that solace in healthier options...so I thought I would share another recipe.  My kiddos have been enjoying this spectacular salad as much as I have.  They haven't even realized they are eating spinach!  It is going to be my holiday go to dish this year.
Cranberry spinach salad
Happy Holidays to you all.  Thanks for tuning in...hope to talk to you all soon.

Trenda Lea

You may call it moody, I call it spontaneous emotional creativity

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down."
- Woody Allen

 Today I realized that my plate was full...to full for me to carry alone.  It took some reconnecting with the people that matter to remind me that despite my full plate, my cup is also overflowing...it's overflowing with their love and blessings. 

I started today, day 28 of my hubby's 365 day deployment,  feeling down and lonely but alas when what to my wondering eyes did appear...(sorry, I got carried away) my surrogate spouse a.k.a. my BFF Salina (yes I'm naming names;) arrived with her version of "coffee in bed".  She took pity on me and my nasty Folgers and brought my beloved favorite, New Orleans Famous French Market Coffee and Chicory.  (Which...Is only appropriate if you consider the stuff is like crack, only available 20 miles away, I'm too lazy to drive there and she introduced me to it).  Anyway...the caffeine high alone carried me through the first hour of my day, sitting on the couch with her sipping my liquid crack, I mean coffee, and watching a silly DVR sitcom got me through the second hour and the residual glow of feeling loved lasted the rest of the afternoon.  Thank you surrogate spouse...you are appreciated. 

But...as the old adage says..."All good things must come to an end"... and it did...the afternoon took a drastic downer with the onset of a huge and boisterous Pity Party being thrown in honor of me by none other then... ME!  I now (out of equal amounts of gratitude and guilt)  feel compelled to say a great big Thank You and Apologise to:

1.  My adoring husband and his now wet and soppy virtual shoulder (whom I am positive was grateful for the web cam lens, the 16 hour time distance, and the 6000 miles between himself and his blubbering mess a.k.a....ME!) 

2.  The above mentioned BFF who listens so very well, doesn't feel the need to "fix" it all, understands that I just need her empathy and opinion and interjects all the appropriate comments at all the appropriate times.

3.  The Brother, who speaks my kind of crazy, listens long after he has telephone induced cauliflower ear and who doesn't judge me when I say stupid stuff.

4.  My Grannie who has and will ALWAYS have my back and possess the softest, kindest lap ever to be created to cry in.  Thank goodness for her that I recognize that I've outgrown her lap and restrain myself despite my strong yearnings to curl up in it and have a good cry.  Now...I settle for long distance hugs via the telephone. 

Last but not least:
5. Thank you to...YOU...for allowing me to occupy a small part of your day by reading my drivel that I like to refer to as intellegentsomewhatcoherentthoughtsofacrazylady.

So...here's to those of us who are feeling overwhelmed, out of touch, invisible, under appreciated, and unloved.  I hear you, I see you;)  May you have the wisdom and strength...to know when you need help and to reach for it.  I guarantee, it's there.  If anyone has the need for a some-what sane shoulder to cry on, I need to pay it forward.  I called in a lot of karma points today...I owe the universe big.  So...if I can't empathize or understand, I promise I'll fake it till one of us feels better;)  I hope we are all able at the beginning of this Month of Thanksgiving, to recognize and acknowledge our blessings.  And Love...Love deep...love without measure...love, love, love.

Beware though... one of my friends current FB posts:  Today I laughed often (got stared at), I loved harder (one new restraining order), and I danced like no one was watching,.. THAT was when they locked me up!!!..

So...I challenge you...all Four of you, my faithful followers and all the rest of you blog stalkers (I know who you are)...to share one unique thing that you are grateful for.  In this small way, I hope we can all inspire one another to appreciate the small things and be grateful.