An Unwitnessed Life

Hi, my name is Trenda and I am an absentee blogger;)  Sorry it's been so long.  I struggle daily with wanting to blog, but I also feel as though I don't want to contribute to the negativity out here in the world wide web. I have been suffering from a viral case of the "blahs" lately and fear that I might be contagious.  Then again, this blog is supposed to be my story...an accurate portrayal of my life.  The truth is... my life isn't always rainbows and butterflies.  So...here I am warts and all.   

Life is great, in so very many ways for me right now... but despite my many blessings, I am struggling right now.  These many blessings and my persistent unrest are a whole other guilt inducing issue.  Regardless...I  am having a really hard time adjusting to life without my spouse by my side.  Now don't worry, I'm not a widow...not in the typical sense anyway...he's is just paying his dues in the military.  He is on his second month of a 12 month deployment.  Despite the fact that we talk often and he is a spectacular support, I find myself feeling as though I am fading away.  I am having a hard time finding the motivation I need to live the kind of creative, productive, wonder-filled life that I yearn for without anyone here to witness that wonder with me.

I ran across the lyrics of this song:  Witness to your life - Lori Mckenna

 All you really need is someone to be here
Someone who'll never let you disappear
And I will be that witness to your life

You should never have to be alone
Someone will always call you home
And I will be that witness to your life

This is exactly what  I feel is lacking in my life right now.  I don't feel connected.  I feel as though I am living an unwitnessed life...  I had intended to spend this next year living for myself.  Taking the time to figure out who I am when no one is looking...when no one else has expectations of me. 

I am having a very hard time defining myself.  I have spent so many years just mindlessly doing what was expected of me (I know that many of you that know me are snickering here;).  I didn't say I did it quietly.  I have never been afraid of voicing my opinions or thoughts.  Now that I dictate what my days look like and how I fill them, I am lost.  Many of you ex-military will know what I mean...It's like when you separate from the military and you find yourself floundering in all your new found freedom.  When no one is telling you where to live and what to do for a living, it should be liberating...more often than not it is just overwhelming and scary as heck.  That's where I am right now.  I am knitting my little heart out (this is my way of checking out...it mindless and soothing), watching Hallmark movies (more mindlessness;)  and wishing that someone...anyone, would remind me who it is I am supposed to be.  I am just a lackluster version of a Mommy right now.  That's all that is expected of me and that is all that I am providing.  I realize the fact that I look to other's to define me is the core of the problem.  I am working on it.   

I am trying.  I do realize that J has only been gone for six weeks...I still have a long haul ahead of me...so...I got up this morning and shaved my legs...for me...I put on my makeup, lips and all...for me...I blew out my hair, put on jewelry and perfume...for me...I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch...for me...and I then knitted some more...

Ok Ok...cut me some slack;)  I can't morph overnight, not to mention...Christmas is looming and I have gifts to knit. 

So...I vow to keep trying.  Trying to find peace within myself - Trying to define the undefinable - Trying to let go of the things I can't control - Trying to be proud of who I am when no one is looking - Trying to be OK with my "blah" days - Trying to work on me, so that I can be a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.

I often find solace in food...of late, I have been trying to find that solace in healthier options...so I thought I would share another recipe.  My kiddos have been enjoying this spectacular salad as much as I have.  They haven't even realized they are eating spinach!  It is going to be my holiday go to dish this year.
Cranberry spinach salad
Happy Holidays to you all.  Thanks for tuning in...hope to talk to you all soon.

Trenda Lea